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Homesick…

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Well, here I am, nearly 5 months since we ‘left home,’ and I said to James tonight… ‘I’m a bit homesick, you know?’ He replied that it was actually inevitable considering what we had given up and the big changes and sacrifices we have made in order to live our life debt free and the in way we choose.

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To some people it may seem a bit ungrateful to speak of my homesick feelings, but they are there none-the less. And, if I don’t acknowledge them it doesn’t mean they disappear – they don’t! I haven’t felt them very long and I don’t feel them everyday… Just recently, at odd moments I have noticed their presence. I am curious about them actually as I am not ready to go back to the UK just yet!

I know that I am in a very fortunate position to just be able to run away like we did. Not just in the practicalities but also mental openness too…. Or some would still say mental! It is only now… a few months later, that I am really processing the impact of the big decisions that we made. Actually living it in this post ‘sell the house and run-away’ place. One of the big things for me right now is the fact we have no home to come back to. I have no permanent nest. And … that feels weird.

I was talking to my mum the other day (God bless Skype) and I didn’t need to even explain to her how I was feeling. She put it all into words before I told her any of it. But then she is a very intuitive and clever girl… always has been. We were both wondering about where we belong and it is a BIG question if you don’t know the answer immediately. Another reason for my ‘unsettledness’ at this moment comes from the fact that the geographical distance between myself and my loved ones is so big. It feels uncomfortable at times even though I can communicate regularly. I sometimes feel so far away. The distance feels probably greater than it actually is.

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Well, I am lucky. I watched the sunset on the beach tonight. It blew my breath away. I am making art everyday because a) I have the time now I don’t have to sell my soul to pay my silly big mortgage and b) because this place is so infinitely inspiring I think I would burst if I didn’t paint and draw some of it. But…. that little voice in my head, just for tonight, just a little whisper from time to time says… everything is so unfamiliar and just feels a bit weird, and I am just feeling a little shy in this foreign land even though everyone is so friendly and warm and welcoming… I don’t quite feel ‘at home’. Whatever that may mean.

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I can’t conclude with anything really. I just feel the way I feel. And for me this is ok. The important thing for me is yes, I want to celebrate this experience and all of the magic, and yes, it is there… but it’s not always easy or comfortable or clear. And as I just love to be honest, I thought I would share some of the harder stuff too. So, if you dream of far away destinations and travels and leaving everything behind and maybe don’t always hear a two sided tale when you read those rose coloured spectacle travel blogs… just know from me… there are always the difficult, confusing and tired parts as-well. Wherever you are. Life is a balance after-all…

 

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I think my drawings and writings in my journal especially convey how I am feeling. And I just need to see what happens and sit with whatever feelings arise. Accept them. I strive to live in each moment and acknowledge the truth, whatever that may be. Just like in a painting; some colours are bright and some are dark.

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Final thoughts… Oh yes, I want to travel and see and experience all of this. And learn. Always learning. But I know in my heart that I am not wanting a permanent gypsy life, no way! I want a forever home, somewhere to put down our roots. We just don’t know where that is yet… so watch this space… hahaahha , my heart is light as I laugh at myself. And I keep going… because that’s all any of us can do? Right?

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  1. Suzy R says...

    ah, Swooshie, every time I travel, I have feelings like this! I miss my nest…It doesn’t mean anything is wrong, it’s just being human, is my take.

    Because when I don’t travel for a while, I get homesick for the rest of the world.

    But as long as we are grateful for where we are, and able to appreciate it, and can still roll with the dark as well as the light, I think we are doing pretty well 🙂
    xoxo,
    Suzy


    • Wendy replied...

      thank you Suzy, xxx
      i love your comments… and am glad you take the trouble to read and comment, thank you so much…
      you are so right…. grateful all the way! and yes, damn it! we are doing really well!!!
      love and a hug xx


  2. Your Mum ! says...

    Yes ! you have to be brave and take life by the horns sometime to live your dream. If you don’t do it – you will always say – we didn’t do all the things we talked about and actually lived our dream – and then the regrets will kick in and that would be so sad.

    So be glad you were brave – you won’t have the regrets and when you return and find a nest you can feel quite smug about things and perhaps when you find your nest again everything will feel changed and fulfilled who knows – but if you never try, you will never know.

    I am just starting on a new adventure and I don’t know at my time in life how it will work out – lets wait and see how the magic will begin. Life is an adventure and don’t let it waste away by being a scardicat. So here we go again – no one will be able to say we were boring. So my sweet daughter – be brave take life by the balls and explore everything you can – I AM !!

    Loads of love, and hugs and kisses
    LOVE YOU TO BITS AND ALWAYS PROUD OF ALL MY SONS AND DAUGHTERS – WHATEVER THEY DO AND WHEREVER THEY ARE – COS ‘ THEY ARE NEVER FAR AWAY – THEIR LOVE ALWAYS FEELS CLOSE XXXX


    • Wendy replied...

      Ah, thanks so much mum, whenever I need to be brave I always think of you… you are the bravest girl I know… So, let’s keep having our adventures and if I am homeless I can come back and stay in your caravan again! And we can do laundry together!!! I am so lucky to have you as my mum! Love you to bits too, I am feeling your love even though I feel far away too… XXX


  3. jan says...

    Take care, enjoy your freedom. I think James is your home and you are his?
    Love xxxxJan


    • Wendy replied...

      Thanks Jan, will do! and yes that is certainly a big part of what ‘home’ is…. love to you too xxx