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Learning some difficult lessons…

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Moving forwards on many levels…

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Lots of life lessons learned in the past two years since choosing a nomadic lifestyle. Some enlightening and joyful and some challenging and painful. I repeat the mantra… ‘I am calm, I am safe, I am loved AND I am learning,’ everyday. If I mess up, which I invariably and regularly do, I ask myself; ‘what can I learn from this?’ Rather than, ‘why did I do that?’ I think I have written about this before… Moving forwards into the soul I wholly am and not giving value to a little squeaky ego part crying ‘me, me, me’, or ‘I am so ashamed!’

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I take a deep breath and pause and move into that quiet space and putting my hand on my heart… I listen… I question where my motives are coming from and is it from a place of pure intent and true honour? I have also learned to accept myself with all of those difficult emotions, they are part of who I AM. A long while ago I found this quote, and I love it…

“NOT to compromise is one of the basic, essential principles to follow, if you want to find truth in its purity and full glory” – Osho

Just before finding the quote I found myself in an unusually difficult scenario of radically disagreeing with the way something really important was being handled. I didn’t want to add the fuel of my disappointment and indeed anger in some parts to an already volatile situation. I didn’t know what to do. At the same time, I was grieving the loss of someone close to me and this was by far more important. But, someone could have been badly hurt and to ignore it would have been a ‘compromise of my basic and essential principles,’ and I wanted to protect that person… But how?

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I took a lot of deep breaths and patiently gave myself time to find the answers. I sat quietly and questioned and listened and I wrote in my journal. I didn’t need to vocalise my anger I just needed to acknowledge it to myself privately and allow it and recognise that it was there to protect my sacred boundaries of right and wrong – ‘my basic principles.’ To ignore that would be a dishonour to myself. I also made sure that the person was safe from the hurt, and, once I knew that I stepped back, right back. It was as if all the drama was being acted out in a desert mirage, too far away to see. And I found great peace in which to experience the loss and grief I was feeling. No anger, no blame, no judgement, but at the same time a great honouring of MYself, MY morals and the core of what I truly believe.

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If ego doesn’t get in the way, that part of us that needs to be right regardless. And, if we neither want nor need to ‘win’ anymore; we find our TRUTH. Well, that is where I have found mine. And, over the years, I have had great difficulty finding the right balance to express this TRUTH ‘out there’ in my life. I often get it wrong. But on that occasion, I got it right. And I celebrate it!

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I will keep learning. I will keep on trying to find and keep my balance. I strive to be the best me only I can be. And I find this process challenging for sure and it is alienating me from ego based communications. A close friend of mine told me once; “you have a very low tolerance for inauthenticity.” And I am happy with that because I CHOOSE not to compromise my core values and beliefs. I want to live my life in truth and honour otherwise I would see it as a wasted one. X

 



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